Happy Independence Day, buckaroos! This is the anniversary of the day that the Earth declared its independence from the Klingon Empire, according to a t-shirt I saw some nerd wearing today. I set him straight and then kicked him in the seat of his baggy shorts like any good American and/or Texan would do.
This is, of course, the anniversary of the day we declared independence from Great Britain and men who wear powdered wigs. The Founding Fathers, were they around today, certainly wouldn’t recognize the land they declared free two-hundred and thirty-seven years ago, but Ben Franklin would no doubt enjoy modern porn. And personally, I’d rather live in the day of the Internet and rayon shirts instead of having to wear wooden dentures and pantaloons.
Many people, and I am one of them, grouse that this country has never lived up to its potential in being a beacon of freedom and leading the world in human rights. It is certainly true that there are shameful chapters in our history and that we’ve got a very long way to go before we can declare with a straight face that we are the Land of the Free. But compared to, say, North Korea, we ain’t so bad.
I’m not one for jingoism, but I’m grateful for the freedoms that we do enjoy. If I wrote my blog in Russia, President Vladimir Putin would probably personally come steal my Super Bowl ring (if I had one) and choke me to death in a judo hold. But I live in the United States, so I can sit around in my undies and make fun of the government without fear of reprisal (although I do hope that the NSA has a sense of humor).
Anyway, as you chow down on burgers, hot dogs and beer, remember how good we have it.
(Safety advice: 1) Hamburgers and hot dogs contain high levels of cholesterol, triglycerides and bug parts which, if consumed in sufficient quantities, can kill you. Try to limit yourself to six cheeseburgers or hot dogs in one sitting. 2) Don’t drink and drive while intoxicated, especially if you already have a DWI. In that case, take a small child with you so that the little tyke can help start your breathalyzer-equipped vehicle. 3) Remember that we are in a severe drought. If you insist on setting off fireworks illegally, have plenty of beer on hand to extinguish any fires you might start. 4) Do not discharge firearms to celebrate the holiday. Haven’t you ever seen the movie “The Mexican”? What goes up [in this case, bullets] must come down.)